A few thoughts for Election Day '08

As the 2008 Presidential race marathon comes to an end, I just have a few words of advice to the next President.

1) If you win, please gloat and grandstand. There is nothing I would love to see more than McCain and/or Obama rub the other guys face in it if they win. Whether it is a touchdown dance, or just general smack talk, please get up in front of the nation and say "Hey, this guy spent the past few months basically trying to make me out as the worst human being ever and guess what "HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"".

2) If you lose, please be a poor sport. You have spent 20 months of your life (possibly more) and millions and millions of dollars trying to achieve your life long goal, and you failed. So, please whoever loses, please say something after the election like John Lackey said after the Angels lost to the Red Sox again. Say something along the lines of "The better man lost". Or "the other guy winning was just a fluke". Do not call the other guys to concede and congratulate him. Call him, tell him he is a dickhead and hang up before he can respond.

3) Whoever wins, please give your acceptance speech drunk as shit. Anytime someone or some team wins a championship, the first thing they do is pop open some champagne, spray it on each other, then get wicked drunk. Nothing would be better than seeing Obama give his victory with a glass of cognac or McCain come up to the mic with a bottle of scotch. This moment is basically the high point of your professional life, so why not celebrate it how American's actually celebrate things: Drinking till you cannot see anymore.

4) Wouldn't it be sweet if whoever won pulled a John Elway: Leave while you are on top. Nothing was better than seeing John Elway retired after winning his second Super Bowl in a row (and first Super Bowl MVP). He probably could have played for 1-2 more years, but there was no reason for him to do so. He walked away while he was on top of the mountain. I think whoever wins, should consider the same thing. You just won the election and have peaked professionally. There is nothing more for you to do or accomplish, so might as well retire before actually taking the oath of office and start getting criticized no matter what you do. Leave while you were on top and people wondering "What If?".

5) Whoever wins, divorce your wife before January 20th, 2009. Do what actors do, dump the person who was with before you were successful and then start dating the hottest girl possible that is only dating you because you are successful. JFK proved you can use the presidency to bang ridiculous hot chicks (i.e.- Marilyn Monroe) that would be otherwise out of your league if you were not president. It would be fantastic to see Barack show up on inauguration day with Beyonce or McCain rolling into the Oval Office on the first day with Scarlett Johansson. Plus, having a hot first lady would probably stop some disasters because the other guys would be too busy staring at your hot wife.

and Lastly,

6) To Whoever wins, do not fuck shit up like the last guys did. Seriously. I am not kidding. Don't be that guy. There should be no reason why I should be thinking, "Canada. Seems like a fine place to become a citizen of."