Election 2008: My running voting diary

For those of you that cannot vote or have not voted yet, I've decided to write a running diary of my voting experience from early this morning. In past elections, I have waited till after work to vote, but it took me over two hours to vote last time, when I voted in the primaries a few months ago. But, this election, I wanted to go to the polling place in the morning right after it opened to try and beat the rush. Boy, was I wrong.

6:45am - My girlfriend wakes me up to let me know that the power has gone out in our apartment building. I kindly ask her to wake me up about 7:30am. As, I fall back asleep, I wonder if the power failure if cause by either the McCain or Obama campaign trying to mess with people on election day. Voter tampering?!?!?!

7:13am - I am woken up again. This time it is by my dog who has jumped on my bed and decided that my chest seems like a good place to stand.

7:21am - Hoping that the lack of power has not effected the hot water in my building. It hasn't. Thank God for natural gas. Shower time.

7:47am - Off to the polling place. Lucky for me, it is just around the corner from my apartment. As I drive by my polling place, I notice a line stretching two blocks down the road. SHIT. I am never going to find parking. Wait, there's a spot. Score!

7:51am - I cut about 10-15 people in line because my girlfriend went about 20 minutes a head of me and I jumped in next to her. I immediately give her a quick peck on the lips to let people behind her know that we are together.

7:55am - I convince my girlfriend that she should come back after work to vote because we are going to be in line for at least an hour and she needs to be at work by 8:30am. She agrees with me, and heads off to work. All the people in the line I just cut about 5 minutes ago are now giving me the evil eye.

8:02am - I remembered to bring my I-Pod this time in anticipation of the long wait. I put on a little Red Hot Chili Peppers and start enjoying a little California sun. After sizing up the length of the line, I determine that I should be all done voting by at least 8:45.

8:11am - The line is barely moving. I start to notice what everyone in front and back of me are doing. I have two older men standing in front of me shooting the shit and talking about the Bush-Kerry election. One man, wearing a Santa Monica hat, is doing all the talking, and the other man has a tube coming from his nose which is hooked to an oxygen tank. Apparently, old people do come out and vote. The woman behind me that I just cut about 15 minutes ago jumps on her cellphone.

8:17am - The line is barely moving. I have just realized that I am going to be here longer than I thought.

8:22am - The woman behind me on her cellphone apparently does not realize she is talking on her phone in public. So far, she has called three different people just to tell them that she is in line waiting to vote. She has also mentioned to all three of them that she has horrible cramps. Thank you for that for that, Fatty.

8:29am - Santa Monica hat guy in front of me will not stop talking. Not only will he not stop talking, he laughs after everything he says whether it is funny or not. And as he is laughing, he is looking around at everyone to see if they are laughing also. Time to turn up the sound on my I-Pod. Save me Anthony Kiedis.

8:36am - I am starting to get frustrated standing in line. How can it take people so long to vote. Are you just reading up on the propositions and measurements while you are in the voting booth? Are you really still undecided and flipping a coin to see who you are going to vote for? WTF?!!?!?

8:41am - Running tally for phone calls made by the woman behind me to tell people she is voting and has cramps: 8. Take a fucking Midol already.

8:45am - Will you stop looking me after you say something Santa Monica hat guy. I am not going to acknowledge you because then you will start talking to me. You have a newspaper in your hand, why are you not reading it? At the very least, use the newspaper to give yourself a fatal paper cut.

8:46am - Why won't this line move?!?!?!?!?!

8:51am - Hey! I think that guy just rolled up with himself and two kids just cut the whole line. I do not care if you have two kids with you, get in line like everyone else or get one of your stupid neighbor's teenagers to watch your snot nosed children. (Yes, I realize I am being hypocritical since I cut the line myself about 50 minutes ago, but in my defense, I did not cut the whole line, just about 10 people, plus my girlfriend left, so it is kind of a wash)

8:59am - I finally made it inside the polling building. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

9:00am - SHUT THE FUCK UP Santa Monica hat guy. I have had to listen to you for an hour already. You have said nothing of substance or entertaining for that matter. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

9:02am - I see that guy with his two kids coming out. I decided not to move out of the way so he can get by. He literally has to try and squeeze in between the wall and I. He says excuse me, but I pretend not to hear him because my I-Pod is too loud. It is all about the little victories in life.

9:04am - Cellphone woman is still talking on her cellphone. Running tally for people she has called to tell she is voting and having cramps: 11. I hope there is a proposition on the ballot I have not read about that bans people like her from talking on cellphones in public.

9:08am - Finally! I'm up.

9:10am - Now I understand why this is taking so long. I have to tell three different people my name and other information. Person 1 - my name, Person 2 - my address, Person 3 - my name and address. Now this would not take that long, if the people crossing off names where not 10 minutes away from dying. Honestly, if you are older than dirt, there is no way you should be in charge of the voting process. Isn't there an early bird special that you need to be at or someone that you need to cut off while driving.

9:13am - I have finally checked in, but now I have to stand in another line to wait for an open voting booth to open up.

9:14am - FUCK! Santa Monica hat guy is in front of me again and is still talking and laughing after everything he says.

9:15am - DOUBLE FUCK! Cellphone woman is now behind me. She is no longer talking on her cellphone, but text messaging people and reading what she is typing out loud. I...am...voting...and... have... bad... cramps...ttyl. How about tty-I-am-going-to-kill-you. I hope your phone gives you cancer.

9:17am - I watching this woman in a Cosby sweater continually fuck up on her ballot. She is on ballot number three because she has check both the yes and no box on a few different propositions. I have just witness someone that should not be allowed to vote. California ballots are not hard to figure out. There is no hanging chads or connecting the lines. It is this simple: Fill in bubble 120 if you vote yes, or fill in bubble 121 if you vote no. This Cosby sweater woman should be taken out back and shot for messing up three times in a row. Do you really want her to be having children or having a choice in who the next President is? I think not.

9:21am - I made it into the voting booth. I have just noticed that the little table in the voting booth only comes up to my nuts. Apparently their is a horde of midgets voting this year.

9:22am-9:31am - VOTING

9:32am - I have finished voting, cast in my ballot, and got my "I Voted" sticker. Yes, it took me 9 minutes to vote. It is not because I did not know who or what I wanted to vote for, but because I had to vote for about 40 different things: about 10 elections, 12 propositions, 10 measurements, etc. So if you take the combination of the amount of things you have to vote for and the amount of morons that vote (i.e - Cosby sweater woman), I totally understand why it took so long. Time to go to work.

Final thoughts on voting - I truly enjoy voting. Once I cast my ballot and put my I vote sticker on, I am immediately filled with pride. I feel uniquely American. Whether my guy wins or not, I feel like I have done my duty as an American citizen. So for those of you that do not vote, to put it simply: GO FUCK YOURSELF. Take an hour and a half out of one day every four years and participate in something that people are dying for to have: The right to have your voice heard.

P.S. - I always find it quite funny that a lot of the polling places are at Churches. Mine was at a Baptist Church. A big part of our country is separation between church and state, but when you go to cast your vote, you go to God's house. Thank God I am not religious.